Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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