if you like me you must not know who I am
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
COCAINE IS GR8
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
