god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
