she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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