Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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