well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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