not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He called his prostate his "boner button".
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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