At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize