he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
We left the knife in your bed.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
