and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
