He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize