They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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