He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
