I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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