you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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