rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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