Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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