I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
