My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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