Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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