Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
