Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
