I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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