It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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