You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
