I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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