Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
