i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
