If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
