omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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