That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
