Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
