Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
