I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
