matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
