I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
