Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
no you cant smoke seaweed
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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