Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Just high enough for therapy.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
