Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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