I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
