His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
he had hair everywhere except his balls
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
