I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
