I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
