Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
