He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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