Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
