someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
