i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
