You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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