Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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