Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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