i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize