how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
that is very illegal...i love you.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
