Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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