I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
