I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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