Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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