I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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