Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
