I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Just pee around me
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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