Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
