Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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