So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Randomize
