I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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