I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
We need a shit load of segways right now
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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