if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
