I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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