if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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