Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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