I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
