I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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