Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
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