Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize